Jean-Claude Gendarme
Jean-Claude Gendarme
So kiss me quick and squeeze a can
the summer’s here now make a plan.
Decide on continental sands
load kiddies, cousins, dogs and gran
into an ancient caravan
plus camping gas and tinny pans
then loudly praise your air con fans
look forward to the autobahns
but I beg you beware one man
it’s said he roams the Gallic land
where leggy ladies dance can cans
half Depardieu, half Jackie Chan …
At roadside aires outside Dieppe
he waits to give the tourists gip
with soggy roll-up on his lip
and a firm grip
it’s Jean-Claude Gendarme.
You’d better come a bearing cash
or he might kick your ros-bif ass
his temper even dwarves his tashe
and it’s a massive tashe
Jean-Claude Gendarme.
His va va vroom is overplayed
he makes Le Pen look rather staid
on human rights he’s slightly vague
call the Hague!
on Jean-Claude Gendarme.
It’s au revoir when his car hones in
your holiday will need postponing -
they say he still believes in stoning.
Good moaning!
Jean-Claude Gendarme.
Cos you forgot your hi vis jacket
this journey’s costing you a packet
you wish you’d braved the Cornish traffic
and home spun fascists
not Jean-Claude Gendarme.
Jean-Claude Gendarme, the garlic dalek:
he’ll spoil your trip away.
Your mother tongue? Jean Claude don’t parle it,
so bring on your Franglais:
Salute! j’ai … Left … Lefte? … J’ai lefte
Mon passport a mon maison
Je suis de sole
Esq-a maintenance Je … leave? Please? Petetra.
All nonchalant at your car door
he spits and quips Mais non Monsieur.
Jean-Claude you lost me at Bonjour!
Ne pas encore!
Up yours Delores!
Jean-Claude Gendarme.
They don’t dole out the karma free
at tourist town gendarmeries
his sense of humour’s tres petit.
C’est ne pas Paris!
Jean-Claude Gendarme.
From 12-4 he takes his luncheon
but otherwise the law’s his function
Are you pleased to see me or is that a truncheon?
It was a truncheon.
Jean-Claude Gendarme.
All five foot three with horn-rimmed specs
I doubt he gets beaucoup de sex
Napoleon weren’t that complex
I suspect
Jean-Claude Gendarme.
A man of which much more is less
he snaps on gloves and says Undress
next year I’m going to Skegness.
Mais Yes!
Jean-Claude Gendarme.
(via lukewright)
